just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
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But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
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I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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