yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
