Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
