Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
