Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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