Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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