Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
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