Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
