We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Randomize
