i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
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