i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
