Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
