Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
