At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
