It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
