Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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