I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
