My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
