What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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