i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
