my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Randomize
