I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
