Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
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I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
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I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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