im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
