Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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