Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
