literally had 100 drinks last night.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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