Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
