I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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