hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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