Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize