I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
