Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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