Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
