k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Randomize
