I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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