no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
