In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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