is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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