I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
