You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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