shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
