Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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