I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
