I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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