walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
