Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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