I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
