someone threw a dead crab at me
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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