Life is so much better after having sex.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
