The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
