What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
