I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
