nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
