Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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