i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
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