I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
