When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
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