So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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