Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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