Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I will be naked everywhere
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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