well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
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