it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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